My wife (who names things) anthropomorphized my car last week:
Sasha has decided she doesn’t want to be called “Sasha” anymore. She wants to be known as Nicolette. I’m worried that when she turns eighteen she’ll actually do it.
While I let my wife worry about what “Sasha’s” cosmetic surgery will do to “her” adolescence, I sit back and enjoy the ride.
Cars are not generally considered to get better with age, actually depreciating in value over time — not like a fine wine… or, in my wife’s opinion, the male half of this marriage — however, my three year-old 135i just did.
Last week as an anniversary present, I ordered some performance parts for my car. When they came in, an appointment was scheduled for 6 A.M. Thursday morning. I drove to the dealership and arrived at 7 A.M. Giddy as a little boy on Christmas morning‚ I opted to wait for what I naively assumed would be a quick three hour job. I sat down at a desk in the lobby and started working on my laptop, dreaming of roaring down 235/I-35 southbound back to work. Moments later, a service attendant informed me that they actually did not have all my parts in. My heart sank. Was my trip in vain? The horror! He explained that I would be receiving two-thirds of my order this trip and would have to schedule another appointment for when my springs came in. Bummed, I acknowledged the change and asked about the new ETA. He said a little after lunch. We then took a trip back to the mechanic and I took pictures.
man, they need to finish my car—I'm like a fat kid in a candy store here
— Jonathan Grimes (@jsg2021) August 25, 2011
About noon, I got up from my computer and enquired about their progress. I should have gone home when I had the chance. We went back to the mechanic and to my dismay, my front-end was still disassembled – nothing looked different! They were having a heck of a time installing the new radiators and rewiring the engine bay. The part that I thought would be the fastest turned into the thing that took the longest. My Power Kit came with a few physical components as well as an engine software update… they were still on the physical install phase! Now hungry and tired, I asked if the car would be finished that day. Everyone was still hopeful, so I continued to wait. In the lobby. Hungry.
About closing time they were just wrapping up the engine’s physical modifications (my front bumper was reassembled and attached), and still telling me they may finish. Then the mechanic revealed the catch — they had not received the software activation code for my car’s engine update! Meaning, there was NO hope for this finishing that day, and I had wasted the day in an uncomfortable chair eating Krispy Kremes and drinking my weight in Diet Coke. And now I had to pee.
I took a loaner and went home.
The next day I went to work in the loaner, and waited until noon to call and check up. My service attendant informed me the engine was finished and the exhaust was installed. He wanted to surprise me — but since I called — they got the rest of my parts in, so when I came to pick it up, all my parts would be installed. My coworkers and wife can only describe the following moments as cartoon-like glee. My day had been made. Or so it seemed.
Around 5 P.M. I found out that the suspension was taking longer to install than anticipated. They were just about finished installing the rear and they still needed to do the alignment, which takes two hours. They promised it would be finished that night, but the dealership would close first, so I wouldn’t be able to take it home. More waiting. The emotional rollercoaster ride made me sick.
Saturday morning I woke up both giddy and sick. I needed this to be over. My wife and I drove up to the dealership and there “she” was, waiting in front. We went into the shop, finished some paperwork and I finally got my keys back.
Itching to feel the clutch again, to hear the roar of my newly tuned engine, to sit in a vehicle that put my butt so close to the ground I get road rash just thinking about it, I hopped in (or ducked in), started her up and let her purr.
0 to 60 is just too easy.